3.30.2008

searching for the good stuff

sometimes (more often than not, these days) i’m amazed at how it’s the small, seemingly insignificant things that can turn my mood around, calm me down, and remind me what really counts.


though i’m not sure why, i do know what kinds of things these are and the wonders they do for my sanity.

it’s three hugs from mum in one day, fresh laundry, and a new cd to fall asleep to instead of noises coming from upstairs.. .
it’s basking in a pool of nag champa incense, sipping chocolate chai before bed.
it’s taking my study day off to go on a roomie grocery trip, to chop veggies and bake sheets and sheets of mini quiche (preferably without the guilt from lack of learning that needs to get done, though).
it’s being able to open a window for the first time all year, letting fresh air in to mingle with the streams of sun that fall across my bed.
it’s spray-painting the latest thrift store find (gold bird to matte white) and finding it a home (hung up above my bedside lamp).
it’s seeing andrea at the corner outside my window while eating breakfast in the morning, and at the bus stop across the street on my walk home.
it’s rachel dropping by a busy day at work just to peek her head between the espresso machine to smile hello.
it’s letters in my inbox reassuring me that my selfish, hermit tendencies have not caused the important people to leave me behind...

although without of any solid explanation why they are worth seeking out, these are the only moments that make sense to me.

more than any self help book lying beside my bed, more than ten-hour-days at university securing my future in knowledge (?..).
more than elaborate plans and errands etched into a battered little black books.
more than 5:30 am bootcamp; more than textbooks that put me to sleep, more than money signs accompanied by high numbers.

i don’t know when or why it was that too many things got piled on to my life, but i’m sick from all this food on my plate.

instead of self-imposed deadlines and feelings of remorse, i desperately long to get to a place where my days are filled with these simple, inspiring moments. preferably with time in between to catch my breath and internalize the energy they give me. to figure out how i can cling to that rather than the stress of everyday life. stress which i should, by all my own calculations, be able to rise above more often than i am right now. which should not turn me into a horrible ball of teen-angst; it overwhelms me with guilt and confuision. and this causes me to worry even more- that if i can’t handle myself now, what am i going to become when the rest of life’s bigger realities and struggles get tossed in my face?

for whatever reason i’m continually struggling to adjust these days.
but i am seeking and hoping to do so. soon.
i haven’t yet quite figured out what that means, in terms of planning ahead and changing this current emotional rut i’ve found myself in.

three months in europe sounds promising for a start.
and maybe it’ll be another four months away in the berkshires of western massachusetts come autumn.
maybe it’ll be embracing year two at university for all it’s worth, or at least feeling okay with the unknown.
maybe it will be an illusive alternative option i have yet to discover.
no matter what, i know that what i end up doing isn’t going to be the real solution. what it will really be is more of an internal shift, a stabilization in attitude;
gripping this restless heart by the horns and allowing it settling into itself.

and then, maybe one day i’ll finally be able start spilling ink and scratching pencils onto empty white sketchbooks,
read all the books and magazines that grow into piles on my wooden floors,
and find myself in a place i can call home, be genuinely comfortable in my own skin.
i’m sure i will. (i’m sure i will?!)

for now-
while i’m busy repeating made up excuses and pity stories of reasons why i can’t possibly get myself together-
it’ll be these small moments in between it all.
these ones i get glimpses of when i finally open my lazy, stubborn eyes,
are all that i can ask for.
they’re all that i should ask for,
and what i wish i could see
are surrounding me
all along.

1 comments:

Chandra said...

Thanks for writing this.